5 Ways Rodney Thinks John is Like a ZedPM
by truthinaims
Summary: ... and One Way John is Better. Post-Series. John/Rodney


**Author's Note:** This is a little cracky but my brain is apparently in writing mode so enjoy :) Post-Series, John/Rodney

**Five Ways Rodney Thinks John is Like a ZedPM and One Way John is Better**

1. _They Both Have Almost Limitless Energy_

John is like the Energizer Bunny on crack, or whatever the Pegasus Galaxy equivalent is. He's constantly moving and poor Lorne has to practically tie the man down to get him to sign requisition forms (although that may have more to do with how boring paperwork is, after all what are XO's for?) They have missions all the time, he and Teyla spar more than once a week and he goes on daily runs with Ronon, a man several years his junior who also wipes the floor with him regularly in the gym.

Dr. Dr. Rodney McKay can keep up better with his teammates on their morning runs than he lets on, mostly because they'd make him come more than once a month if they knew a lot of his complaining was for show, but he's no John. Rodney has been known to sit so long in one chair in the lab while working on a problem that Zelenka makes him get up just to ensure he doesn't fuse to his seat, so he cannot fathom the energy needed to bounce around Atlantis like the Colonel does every day, especially since they'd brought the city back to it's rightful place in the Pegasus Galaxy. Half the time Rodney can easily pick the man out on Atlantis' internal Life Signs Detector because his dot is always moving twice as much and twice as fast as anyone else's, not that Rodney stalks John with the sensors. Although, if they could find a way to harness that energy…

2. _They are Very Rare_

Rodney still remembers the commotion in Antarctica when the seemingly random helicopter pilot sat in the command chair and lit up the outpost. There isn't exact data of course but not a lot of humans on Earth have the gene, and few have it as strong as O'Neill and Sheppard.

Voodoo scientists like Carson seem to think the percentage of natural gene carriers is even higher among SGC and Atlantis personnel than the general population and once drunkenly regaled Rodney with a theory that gene carriers were more likely to be found in the military and fields with similar levels of action because something in the genetic code is driving them to be more adventurous and strive for the unknown. Rodney had scoffed, but considering the strongest genes existed in SG-1's first leader and the Colonel who routinely threw himself into dangerous situations head first, that theory might have merit, not that he'd ever tell Carson that.

3. _Atlantis Loves Them_

Atlantis is a slut for one John Sheppard. Everyone whose been in the city for more than a few weeks and has had an opportunity to observe their interaction knows it. Doors fly open for him and lights get brighter as he walks by. Zelenka swears the jumpers are like puppies panting for attention whenever the Colonel is in the Jumper Bay.

Old Atlantis tech that no one can get working comes to life with a single touch of the man's hand and Rodney is not jealous at all of the way the city practically hums when John absent-mindedly runs his hand along the wall as they walk through the halls.

Rodney was almost glad that during their six weeks on Earth after getting unceremoniously booted from Atlantis, he was at Area 51 and didn't have to see the look on John's face when he woke up everyday to cement walls instead of a city singing in his head.

But they got her back and John repays the city's love by letting engineers and scientists know when she's hurting and where. The connection has gotten even stronger since they flew the city back to Pegasus and Rodney wonders if it's because Atlantis is so happy to be home, or because John is.

4. _There are Some Things He Just Doesn't Understand About Them_

Rodney and John have been friends for over five years now and new recruits are still confused when they witness the two bickering in the hallways, labs, mess, basically everywhere. The newbies wonder why the military head of Atlantis spends so much time with a scientist and sometimes Rodney wonders right alongside them. Self-reflection might not be the physicist favorite activity but he's aware enough to know that sometimes, okay a lot of times, he's an asshole to cover up the fact he's terrified of letting people down.

John genuinely seems to like him though. They shares beers on the pier and laugh together when Ronon beats up the newest set of Marines. Sometimes the Colonel gets quiet and Rodney wonders what he's thinking, what line the scientist might have crossed. Sometimes he asks, but many times he just sits their silently showing his solidarity with the man whose past is littered with more baggage than Rodney's.

5. _Rodney Would Tear the Galaxy Apart to Find Them_

When Ronon wakes up and realizes the Colonel didn't get him up for his turn on watch he isn't worried. Insomnia is the plague of Atlantis and Sheppard often lets his team sleep if he's going to be awake anyway. It's when Ronon can't raise the man on his radio that the runner begins to worry. He shakes Teyla and Rodney and they gather their things quickly before setting off to the town hall.

The citizens are tense and twitchy and Ronon gets fed up with their obvious lies and pulls out his gun and points it at the Headman until he stutters out an explanation. Word of the Lantean's return to Pegasus had got out and people were looking for them, the Colonel in particular. The town spokesman obvious wasn't the brightest and the fear of Ronon's weapon wasn't helping his diction but he managed to get across that they wanted John because he made Ancient tech work.

The Headman gets a peculiar expression on his face and explains that the bounty hunters gave John a choice, go quietly with them or they'd take Rodney too. McKay gets quiet at the news before his expression hardens and he too points his gun, this time at the man's daughter, and demands a gate address for where they went. Teyla tenses, not pleased but unwillingly to stop him, they all wanted Sheppard back.

A gate address is given but they are fearful, saying over and over again that it is the one the bounty hunters took John to, but they have no way of knowing if that was the first of many stops for the criminals.

It was.

Unfortunately, their network of allies was not yet as strong as it had been since they returned from Earth and it took almost two weeks and more bribes than Woolsey had on hand (Rodney should remember to thank Stargate command for the extra supplies at some point), but they found a lead.

Lorne sent word to gather volunteers and ended up having to turn away people as military and scientists alike lined up to bring Atlantis' favorite son home. The mission was successful, thanks mostly in part to the detailed surveillance data Ladon Radim had provided (Rodney was going to need a thank you list). The group went in and knocked out half the lab's guards before anyone knew what had happened.

The society that took John wasn't terribly advanced and the military managed to subdue what little resistance there was quickly, if with a few more broken bones than strictly necessary but that's what they get for thinking they could just take the Colonel.

Rodney, Ronon and Teyla were the ones that found John and when they saw him strapped to a gurney, already pale from blood loss as an oblivious scientist took yet another vial from the IV in his arm, well, ruthless would be a good way to describe the team's reaction to the violation of their leader. It took Rodney barely two minutes to create a virus that wiped out all data on the lab's primitive computers and if he viciously kicked the downed scientists a few extra times after reading their experiment logs Ronon simply grimaced and pulled him out of the lab behind Teyla and John.

Woolsey's relief when they returned home with just a few minor scratches and bruises, apart from the Colonel, was obvious and he warmly greeted Sheppard before accompanying him and his team to the infirmary.

The medical team wasn't stupid enough to try and kick Sheppard's team out of the infirmary but they got firm orders to let him rest and alert the staff immediately if he seemed in pain or uncomfortable for some reason.

Teyla and Ronon stood guard while Rodney had a quiet conversation with the still groggy Colonel about how much of an idiot he was for going quietly and how they were going to have to have another talk about the stupidity of self sacrifice once John stopped looking so pathetic and his hair stopped being so droopy. If Ronon and Teyla saw the hand Rodney slipped in the Colonel's and the slight squeeze he got in return they just smiled and assured John they were glad to have him back.

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1. _ZPMs Aren't Very Good Cuddlers_

Rodney sighed and buried his face deeper into the warm body he was draped over. John had just been released from the infirmary a few hours ago and had convinced McKay to take a nap with him. Rodney couldn't complain about the chance to hold his lover close after two weeks of not knowing if John was even alive.

His arm was thrown across the Colonel's chest and their legs were intertwined but it wasn't enough. Not when Rodney hadn't been able to sleep in the weeks since John went missing, constantly reaching a hand to the empty side of the bed and waking when it didn't make contact. The scientist nuzzled the soldier's neck, inhaling his scent and pressing his face against his skin, needed the tactile reminder he wasn't alone.

Their relationship wasn't loud and flashy, they didn't make out in hallways or flaunt their connection off-world, but most of Atlantis knew the men were together and breathed a sigh of relief that John had been found. The Colonel was well liked in his own right, but Rodney had been impossible to be around while his lover was missing and everyone was happy that John was back and once again distracting Rodney from belittling his minions.

John slowly woke to Rodney murmuring into his neck, most of it was inaudible but he could swear he heard 'better than a ZedPM' mumbled in there somewhere. He smiled and tugged Rodney closer kissing his temple and thinking he probably shouldn't be so relieved that his boyfriend really did like him more than a glorified Ancient battery.


End file.
